要謝謝愛

 

 

要謝謝你。。。

chocolate wrapper

During Valentine’s Day last year, my Korean friend Lee gave me a tiny chocolate with a pink wrapper. Inside the wrapper was a quote that I really like:

 

“Go where your heart takes you”

 

Looking back, my heart has taken me to places that I never imagine I will step foot on and to people that I will never otherwise meet, people who have then taken important places in my life. I guess I have always followed my heart.

 

 

But how far can your heart takes you? Does it has your best interests in mind?   

There will be a time when you have to listen to the logic inside your brain rather than to the thumping sound of your heartbeat.

Yesterday night, I dreamt of a clinic in Japan with my name on it. It was a vet clinic. Maybe the doctor there had the same name as me. Still, seeing my name there made me happy. So, I asked my sister (who was in my dreams) to take a picture of it so that I can take it back to Malaysia. I have successfully fulfill my childhood dreams of becoming a veterinarian, even though it was just a dream.

Remember how we have always imagined how our lives are going to be like in the future? Sometimes, that image excites us. Sometimes it scares us. The image that I saw when I was 7 is vastly different from the image that I saw when I was 21.

But what I know is, my life at 23 now is very different from what I imagined it to be like 16 years ago or even 2 years ago. Life really is unpredictable.

So even if my future looks scary to me now, I can rest assured that it will be totally different from my imagination.

I wonder where will my heart takes me next.

Feelings

...are something that you cannot control, that’s what they say.

But when you are feeling nothing at all, you tried every possible means to make yourself feel something. Even if it means hurting yourself.

It’s like using a hammer to knock on your broken leg hoping to feel some pain on your already numb leg.

The slightest feeling of pain will make you jump with joy.

Because it signals to you that your leg is still alive.    

 

 

I wish my leg wasn’t broken too bad.

Scars on me

About a week ago, I fell down while I was walking my dog, Tommy. It was  my fault, really, because I was a bit distracted that time. After some tail-yanking, growling and pain, I got up and continued the walk with bloody knees. Then I got home and put on some Hansaplast on top of the bruises. 

They are still on my knees now, those plasters, only that they have morphed into no-brand ones, not so miraculously. I still felt pain now and then, especially when I woke up in the morning*ahem* afternoon. I try hard not to let water get into them when I bath.

The wounds have changed into ugly “shell –like” things. I was convinced that there will be scars on my knees from now on. Big,ugly, brownish ones.

But then, the scars started to come off when I poked at them. Big, ugly, brownish scars came off, revealing perfectly fine, untainted skin underneath.

                                                                ~*~

Does it sound familiar to you? It is a bit like life, isn’t it…you fell down hard, complete with bruises, pain and scars. You thought that you will never recover, that you will be scarred for life.

But then, after some time, nature took off the scars you had, revealing beautiful skin underneath, even more beautiful than the one you had previously, only if you care to “poke” at them. If you never make an effort, you will never find out that those scars are actually shells that are there to protect your wounds, so that they will be able to recover in due time.

You have become a more beautiful person because of all the scars you once had.

That’s what I thought when I look at my scars just now.

 

p/s If you didn’t notice, I’ve changed the look of my blog!

       Do you like it?

Sayounara daisuki na hito

I miss Hot Springs.

I miss all the people that are still there now whom I never got the chance to say goodbye to.

I miss Eddie, Ki, Lee, Bianca, and May, Par and Joof (although they are in South Carolina now).

I miss you.

I wish they were here in New York with me now. Sigh...

Now I am just another face among the hundred thousands of Asians in Flushing, New York.

Walking Behind You

You know everything that I am afraid of

You do everything I wish I did

Everybody wants you, everybody loves you

And I'm just walking behind you...

Can you be that someone to me?

Just now, i had a look at my friendster's horoscope for fun...and it turned out to be one of the most accurate horoscope i have ever seen! It was incredible...everything tat it says there is exactly what i'm experiencing right now.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

The Bottom Line
Your healthy ambition has been feeling sickly lately, but it's back on track now.

In Detail
Your formerly healthy ambition has been feeling a bit sickly lately, but when you get a little taste of power today you will finally start to feel robust and capable once again. You can see where you want things to go, and with a little patience you will see a path to take to get there. Your sense of who you are is going to continue to grow slowly but steadily, and you are already starting to see the rewards of being more self assured in your social life.

Today must be my lucky day!

The truth is, since I've got so much free time here, I have a lot of time to think and to learn more about myself. But it was not easy. I found lots of bad things about myself that I wish I didn't have. Sometimes, I found myself hating my own reflection in the mirror. But on other days, I love it. It was frustating but I'm going to give it time. I'm going to get there eventually.

I miss my family and friends terribly. I still have 2 more months to go before I go back home to Malaysia. It feels very long. It's not that I'm not enjoying my time over here. I do, I love it here. But I miss having someone who understands me and whom I can feel totally comfortable with. Someone like my family. Someone like my college friends. I realised that that someone does not come by easily. That's why I feel so grateful to have them.

I do not have the privilege of having that someone here in the States. But I'm trying to get myself to be that someone to me. Hope you understand what I'm trying to say...haha..

Chinese new year is coming soon. This will be the first year that I will miss the new year. "You never know what you have until you lose it". I finally understand that saying now.

Hope you all have a very happy Chinese New Year!

Empty Heart

My last nite in Malaysia...i'm so busy packing that i dun even have time to think about it..

but now tat i have some time to breathe...i got a terrible headache...

but still...tonite is important...i'm so excited and yet i'm so scared...i think i'm still not fully aware yet that i will be gone tmw...tis time tmw, i'm going to be at Singapore...wow..

i didn't expect to receive all those well-wishing calls and smses from u guys...don't think u will remember..till tis day, i still cannot believe that i have so many frens tat care about me...thanks, you all^^

and i've been moving around a lot for the past week...met with xiao qi in mid valley, had KFC with seow pei, hanged out with my roomates in TS, and done a whole lot of things with kee li, jason & nan cen all over KL. and of coz, the vacation with my family in cameron. someday, i'll blog about them.

but...i still haven't heard from you..n wat does tat mean?...i guess i already knew..

if only u are here...becoz i wanted to hear from u so so bad...but it's all a dream, isn't it?

if only dreams come true...

i wanted to hold on to those memories but i have to live my life. and starting tmw, i'm going to explore it to the fullest.

so...goodbye, you.

keep smiling...偶尔想想我，好吗？

.

.

.

the time we spent together /

is like a beautiful dream /

but sooner or later /

we have to wake up /

to reality /

and when it's over /

all that's left /

to remind me of you /

is an empty heart

Things I"ll Never Say

I wanted to believe that I can do it, but you told me that I can't. And I'm afraid I am starting to believe you.

I know you are worried and wanted me to stay, but I need to do this for myself, to see how far I can go.

I needed your support, but everytime I look at you, all I ever felt is guilt, for putting that frown on your face.

很想对自己说。。。

是时候了。
是时候放手了。
不要再回头看。

要勇敢往前走。
前面还有很长的路要你走的。。。

Saying Goodbye

I am not used to saying goodbyes at all. I don't think anyone is.

These few days have been hard. Initially, I thought I will be ok with the idea...
This IS the moment that I have been longing for ever since I start studying....no more nerve-breaking exams, no more boring classes , no more staying up till 6am to rush never-ending assignments, no more pressures......finally.....free

But then the thought hit me.

Because it also means...

no more staying together with roomates,
no more waking up to Jun Jun, Yiyi, Mei Leng and Wan Jun's voices,
no more holding hands with Jun Jun,
no more late night yum cha at white light mamak,
no more going to Wednesday pasar malam in Nan Cen's car,
no more dinner with my second family,
no more performing arts classes....

I mean, how do you say goodbye to people you have been living, laughing and crying together with for 2 whole years? How do you say goodbye to people you feel so close with that they feel like your family when your real family is away? How do you say goodbye to new found friends who you have spent days and nights with working on the most memorable showcase of your life?
Friends that I would really like to get to know better but there's just not enough time...

How do you say goodbye to those who have made such an impact in your life only to learn that you might never see them again for the rest of your life?


I haven't figure that out yet. And I guess I never will.

T.T